theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
