Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
