Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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