I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
time to smoke my breakfast
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
