my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
