I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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