Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
