Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sorry about my life...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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