I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
