I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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