Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
