Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
you made out with another girl for some wings
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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