so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
