At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
