i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
