just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
