I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
