I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
