oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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