Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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