Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
