You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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