When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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