did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
