Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
time to smoke my breakfast
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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