remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
