I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
