You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
