Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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