My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
