We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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