Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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