Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Houston, we have a blender
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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