If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
