mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
