well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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