She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
