When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
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