You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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