dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
