I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
