I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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