then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
