Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
