as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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