It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
