"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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