apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
