i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
