It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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